July 31


Top 7 Engineering Jokes

By Mike Spack

July 31, 2014

Time for a little levity you can share with your colleagues and clients –

  1. How can you tell if an engineer’s an extrovert?  When he’s talking with you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
  2. There are 10 different kinds of people. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
  3. A wife asks her husband, a traffic engineer…  “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had eggs.”
  4. Why did the engineer cross the road? Because that’s what they did last year.
  5. An engineer is a fellow that takes a measurement with a micrometer, marks it with a crayon, and cuts it with an axe.
  6. Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!” Newton says “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”
  7. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
    The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field.”
    “You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
    “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
    “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information.
    “The man below says, “You must be a planner.”
    “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
    “Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going, and you have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

Any good engineering jokes out there I missed?

  • An engineer, a salesman and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them, sighs and asks, “What is this, a joke?”

    There is an alternate version of #9:

    A helicopter pilot is lost in dense fog somewhere near Seattle. Finally, sees a patch of grass through a break in the mist, and lands. A man walks up, so he asks “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago , but I don’t know where I am.”

    The man on the ground says: “Yes. You are in a helicopter on a lawn.

    The pilot says, “Ah – hah!” He pulls out his chart, plots a point, and draws an azimuth, and starts firing up the engine.

    Astounded, the man on the ground says, “How did you know where you are? Everything I told you was technically correct, but absolutely useless.”

    “Exactly,” says the pilot, “That’s how I figured out I’m in Redmond. You work for Microsoft Tech Support, don’t you?”

  • My favorite engineer joke:
    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed: “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in: “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The pastor said: “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

    “Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

    The greens keeper replied: “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

    The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said: “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said: “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

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    Mike Spack

    My mission is to help traffic engineers, transportation planners, and other transportation professionals improve our world.

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